Is this a gay memory?

One of my first memories of having some sort of attraction to the male body was this image from a cigarette ad. For some reason, even though the model is shown in water up to his arm pits, the thought that he had his clothes on his head and was thus naked under the water was enough to give me a tiny little boner. Just the idea that this guy was naked and unseen was what got me horny. There was never an attraction to his face or wanting to be with this guy, just the thought that he was naked under the water.

Through grade school and high school there was never an issue of me being attracted to any guys, other than the pictures, I was just a normal kid. That guys that were in the pictures were not real, they were more like an ideal of what I wanted to be; grown up, mature, strong, and more. In school I hung out and dated girls, I went to the dances, and made out afterwards. Being gay, or attracted to guys as not something that crossed my mind while in high school.

It wasn't till I got to college that I started to see that the ideal man that I had in my head was something that I could have sex with, it was also at this time that I discovered the Adult Bookstore  and the video booths, and thus started the first stage of my explorations into the man-on-man action, that stopped abruptly one night with one incident, that kept me from men for twenty-five years, and that will be the subject of another post.

PS: It wasn't violent, harmful or anything like that, and no turtles were harmed in the incident.

Not a Gay thing

Yesterdays post got me thinking about another time that I was naked in a room with other guys. It was a steam room at a health club in Orange County, when I was 17 years old. I sat there on the bench for the better part of an hour talking with another guy. Well if was more that he was talking with me, and checking me out, did I say that he was wearing shorts and I was naked?

 I remember now thinking that it was exciting being on display in a sense, but there was no desire on my part to want to touch this guy or have him touch me in any way. In retrospect I doubt a 17 year old guy that was gay would be able to sit there without getting a boner, or thinking thoughts about being with another guy.

I don't think this is Gay

I just spent two and a half hours earlier this evening, over at two guys house, watching television. On the surface there is nothing gay about this in the least.

Now for the details:

I had taken my shirt off and put on a cock ring within two minutes, after four minutes I was naked on the bed admiring said cock ring on my cock. After ten minutes I started to notice that there are veins in my penis that I didn't know about before, and I may be bigger than I've been telling people if I wear a cock ring all the time.  Is there really anything gay about this? I've done things similar to this when I've been by myself, so not gay.

The television was on, and man-on-man gay porn was playing the entire time, so yeah this part was pretty gay, can't really get around that, though all the actors were very masculine.

The other two guys were in the room and they were naked like myself, though I have been in rooms where men are naked, and just a naked man stroking himself does not make things gay. Though in this case if you asked the two guys if they were gay, they would say yes that they were. Still sitting in a room with two gay guys stroking my cock while wearing a cock ring, I can still tell myself that this wasn't gay.

When the one guy reached over and started to stroke my cock and shortly there after try to put all eight inches down his throat, yeah that pretty gay, or is it. Just because a guy is performing a physical act of pleasure on my cock, does note make me gay, even if I need to redefine the definition of gay. Though in terms of motion there is little difference from shaking another persons hand repeatedly with saliva and lube involved, than what he was doing so eloquently, and yeah there was his mouth involved.

The next act is a little more involved and even I have to contend that the act of putting a condom on my cock and putting it inside the receptive orifice of another person is a gay thing to do, but does that mean that only gay people can do it? I would beg to differ, as I'm not gay, yet did just that.

The condensed version of the time spent, minus the few minutes that the above mentioned activities took place, was that three guys sat in a room talking about the weather, travel, and a whole bunch of other stuff, for two and a half hours. There was male bonding at a level that all public meetings would never be able to obtain. So now I have bonded with these guys, and when we meet again our past shared experience will make us friends.

The Start

I keep forgetting about the one guy over the summer, he wanted me to bottom and I wasn't going to do that. What raised flags with me was the he mentioned that if we saw each other in public, that we would not acknowledge each other. That is probably the one thing that made me most uneasy about him. I want someone that is in essence a friend, so that if I was out with my wife, co-workers, or family, they wouldn't suspect that behind closed doors he sucks my cock, and bottoms for me, all the time screaming his head off, like 8" is really that big of a deal.

In my minds eye, the above image is what I would see if I were to walk in on myself topping a dude. The reality is that my tan lines are from cycling, so lower on my legs and a white torso, I do have a great looking ass.

PS: I had some time recently to take a photo or two of myself in this position and this look is more of a dream than a reality, that is what age has done to me.

OUT?

Hearing all the talk of DADT makes me wonder why no one ever has to tell everyone that they are out of the closet as a straight up HETROSEXUAL. Really has anyone ever said those words?

People I know who have come out of the closet all have stories about how they have told people. I was in a car once with a co-worker, whom I suspected was gay, but seeing the rainbow hanging from his rear view mirror, he came out and told me. If he had reached for my knee, I would have told him that that wasn't going to happen. Most of the reasons that I have never acted on any of my feelings toward the male physique is that I'm not GAY. The people I know that came out of the closet, never realized that it must have been made of glass because while it was obvious before they were gay before they said it out loud, it seems natural after they came out.

At my age, being gay means that you like musicals, that you like the old woman with the dark hair that sang some song about jazz...... Liza Minnelli, that your wrist was limp, and the you touched guys in public in a way that no guy should be touch. Being on a float in a pride parade, grinding groins together while wearing speedos, is not some lifestyle that I want to be a part of, and frankly I can see why some fundamentalist would have some opposition to that, and would act to try to stop the grinding. Now I know these are all stereotypes, but still, even Jack on "Will and Grace" promotes that stereotype, I think even Will is to gay for my taste. Another male celebrity that came out of the closet on national tv was Reichen while on the "Amazing Race". He seemed the ideal of what a masculine man should look and act (even if it was just for the camera.) Now I see him on that reality show "The A-List: New York" and I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that his balls had been surgically removed.

Why is there not stereotype of two guys that are men, act like men, and also like to fuck like men? I have topped the same guy twice now, and I'm not going to sit back and say that he looks nice and worry about his feelings, I'm going to put my dick in his mouth till it gets hard, then put on a condom on it, turn him around and put that wrapped package in his happy place, repeatedly till I say I've had enough. We're two guys that have just shared a physical exertion and are both happy with the outcome. I may have to revised my thinking at some point in the future, but for now this is what goes through my mind.

PS: The image is from Reichen's MySpace page and is from a Halloween party, I'm in no way implying that he has gone so gay as to want to be a woman, or dress in women's clothes, or look good in drag, even as a joke. (from 2007)

Hitting my head

Several weeks ago, I was riding my bicycle along a road in my town, near the end of this road, construction was going on and a barrier was put up to warn cars to turn. Now this barrier consist of two vertical post, with horizontal post on the ground weighed down with sandbags, on the vertical post are three horizontal orange strip plastic boards, that can be seen for great distances. Now I have ridden my bike past this barrier all summer long, but on this day in October, for some reason I saw it, put my head down, lost track of time, then looked up and it was ten feet in front of me and me traveling at eighteen miles and hour.

What went through my mind is that I didn't have time to do anything but put my head down and hope I don't get hurt to bad. I knew that I was going to get hurt as I have a recollection of hitting the barrier, my feet going into the air, flipping over. I don't remember hitting the pavement, but I remember sitting on the ground looking at the side of the road, and everything being blurry. I closed my eyes, then opened them again, things were less blurry, but still blurry. I moved to see if anything was broken, no broken limbs, there was a gouge on my leg, but that seemed to be the extent of my obvious injuries. Getting up was a difficult story, my body had just went from eighteen mph to zero in the matter of three feet and I think I was still in shock. There were people in a parking lot across the street who may have seen the whole thing, and asking if I needed to be taken to the hospital. Standing up, picking my bike up I told them that I was shaken, but uninjured.  After a few minutes, I got back on my bike and slowly rode off, two weeks later the only sign of injury was a 3" scar on my leg, otherwise I'm fine. The main reason that I was able to walk / ride away from this was that I always ride with a helmet on my head, I think if I hadn't had a helmet on I wouldn't have walked away.

Now, why do I re-tale this story, because prior to this I never wanted to act upon my feeling of getting with another guy. I had them, I masturbated to them, I even playing with a dildo in my ass (never really got it though.) Now after this incident I have met and had physical contact with more than one guy. I don't know if I saw the end of my life, or if something was jarred loose in my brain, or I realized that I'm ready for a mid-life crisis, but I made the decision to become a participant, and not just a passive observer of man on man interaction. Maybe I just needed an event in my life to say that "now I can participate" maybe not, but I have moved forward and now I think I'm a total top.

If I had to start picking just one image that I have masturbated to over the years, the above picture would be near the top. I don't know if what attracts me is wanting to jump on this guy, or strive to workout and be like this guy. There is nothing explicit about this photo, but seeing half to mostly undressed guys always gives me a boner.

My first post

Just to make sure that this is working.

I'm a married guy, early forties in age, and yes just like I was five and a half five months after my fifth birthday, I'm going with earlier forties. This is about me coming to gripes with the bi/gay side of myself, or maybe putting it down, always decisions, and sometimes the cock overrules the brain. I want a space where I can put all this out there, maybe get some feedback and see if I really live in an isolated little world, or are there others in the same boat.
My first gay experience was out of high school, even though I went to an all boys high school, nothing even remotely happened there. I college, during a winter break I went to an adult bookstore, with the booths that have the holes in the walls, I didn't know what they were for till I saw the head of cock poking through one of them. At the time it felt the same as if I was seeing a rat crawl along the wall. I recovered quickly, said no, but stuck my cock through the hole in the wall, and it was like my cock had go to paradise and was sending me an overflow of glad tidings to my brain for have gone there. A few nights later I went back, and actually shared a room with an older guy who sucked my cock, and I decided that I wanted to try it. I quickly realized that I didn't like it, and then the guy came only after a few seconds and I was stuck with his cum in my mouth. Not wanting to mess up the floor, I now know I should have, and being my first time, I swallowed. That was the last time that I had a cock anywhere near my mouth.
Life went on with porn magazines, straight and gay, mainly gay, and then came the internet. This opened up a whole world of possibilities, yet I still stayed with my static gay porn and liked that it was now up to day and greatly varied.Then I discovered xvideos, and now I have videos to masturbate to, the A4A. On A4A I created a user name and tested the water to see what was out there. Then everything change over the week of thanksgiving 2010 when I posted a picture and people started to responding, now I have opportunities that I never knew existed before, and what I want to put here to see if there is any feedback and advice for someone that is interested in testing the bi/gay waters, but has never learned how to swim.